Dear Rory,

We read your column* in The Sunday Mail during our Lactation Luncheon today. Gosh, we’re famous!

We are so glad you have absolutely no problem with breastfeeding in public (or as we like to call it, leaving the house). We know deep down that when you look at your shoes, the ceiling, or adopt the thousand-yard stare instead of making eye contact or saying a passing good morning, what you are really telling us is “you’re doing a great job mum, keep it up!”

As you know, breastfeeding mothers aren’t “normal people” like yourself, constantly scanning our surroundings for threat assessment or the nearest loo. We are so socially inept that we don’t actually know what to do when people make eye contact with us! It’s probably the hormones. So thank you for taking the time to explain to us that our return glance reminds you of Travis Bickle imagining a confrontation which would allow him to draw his gun. We’ll have to remember that for the next time little Mackenzie gets into the biscuit tin.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologise for having the audacity to lactate in a cafe without having the common decency to also be happy and pretty for you. We must have made you so uncomfortable – and it’s not their first time that Susan has gone into Maternal Threat Response without giving a man a proper chance to switch to zombie eyes, either. We have revoked her mass suckling event privileges until she can demonstrate that she has learned her lesson.

Next time you see us, do pop over and say hello (just stare vaguely over our shoulder so we’ll know it’s you). We’ve got a special latte just for you.

Sincerely,

The Breastfeeding Club

 

*here it is

 

Updated 30/8/17: Rory got back to us! Squeee!